First Base of Lovemaking Foreplay

Dra. Charley Ferrer

 

Men look at their sexual conquests as a baseball game. You start at first base, throw a feeler to second, and then slide into third on your way to a home run. Often they lament getting benched by a foul ball or striking out; even worse is being walked due to other technicalities. So ladies, let’s play their game—and beat them at it—as we put a twist in their line-up. Watch for the change-up as I provide you with a new version of the home run which will have him begging you to take him to the ball park while you enjoy all those extra innings.

The line-up
Here’s where we look at the basics. Nope, not bats, balls, and gloves but shoes, make-up, and undergarments. After all, we have to get ready to play and there are so many positions to cover.

Ironically, the more successful a woman is the more she feels she needs to give up her femininity in order to fit in and be taken seriously in her career. Yes, there are some positions in which dressing feminine is not acceptable, like in a high power Wall Street stuff-shirt corporation; however no one’s inspecting what’s underneath your “power suit” or keeping tabs on what you wear outside the office. Why not wear that garter belt and stockings set. Sure it’s a little frustrating at times to snap that garter belt perfectly straight but then, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have your lover help you put them on? I’d ensure to add an extra half hour to your morning dress-up time. Then again, there are some garter belt stocking sets on the market today that give you the look without the hassle. Let’s not forget the shoes. Though four and five inch heels may be reserved for supermodels and those “put me where you want me” moments, there are some really comfortable pumps and three inch heels which are practical—and more importantly comfortable—on the market worth every penny. Find one that’s sexy and practical and brings out the playful side of you…then again having on a “slutty” shoe with a “proper outfit” will leave them wondering just what is underneath that power suit.

And don’t forget to purchase that sexy negligee you’ve been eyeing at the Lingerie store for the pass few weeks. So what you’re not in a relationship at the moment and no one else will immediately see it. You’re seeing it! Why can’t you allow yourself to be sexy even if you don’t have a lover at the moment? Who said you’re only allowed to be sexual once you’ve made a connection with another human being? Perhaps the same person who declared a woman shouldn’t buy a home of her own unless she’s married. Well times have changed and looking sensual for yourself is just as important as it is to look sensual for another person. Being sexy starts with you not with your lover! Thus throw out those granny panties and get some Fredrick’s of Hollywood action going on. Yep, they even have plus sizes for girls with voluptuous curves like me.

Once you have the clothing down, don’t forget the make-up. Sure it’s a pain in the butt to always have to put on make-up in the morning. You know the routine: foundation, eye shadow, eyeliner, blush, lipstick…did I forget anything—oh yes, the mascara. Instead of looking at it as a chore, why not see it for what it really is. It’s 15 minutes to half an hour each morning to take time for yourself and appreciate yourself. A brief time to affirm that you care enough about the person in the mirror to want to feel good regarding how you present yourself to others and how they perceive you. And for those that enjoy standing out, it’s a wonderful affirmation which says, “Here I am” as you put on the dark Goth make-up. Hey when I was a teenager, dark brown lipstick was all I wore, even when my uncle said it looked like I smeared grease on my lips.

The Wind-up
Even before you step up to the plate everyone knows that practicing your pitch and your swing is the difference between striking out, a base hit, and the ultimate—a home run. Your sensuality is no different. Knowing what you like and what drives you wild is essential in any relationship. The only way you can share what you enjoy most with a new lover (or an existing one) is if you know some of the basics yourself. At least then you can go from being like the average woman who’s unsure about her desires to becoming the lover he wouldn’t let go.

Learning your body and the touch you enjoy most is a little embarrassing at times. We’ve been taught it’s not appropriate to touch ourselves and even the word masturbation holds such negativity. I purposely use it in seminars to help people desensitize from it. Come on say it three times with me. Masturbation. Masturbation. Masturbation. There that wasn’t so hard was it? It’s merely you loving yourself. Giving yourself pleasure. Being the best lover you can be and then sharing that experience with another when you find them worthy of playing along.

There are so many fun ways to pleasure yourself, so many places to do it in, so many toys you can incorporate to make it even more thrilling it would take me hours to go through them all. Therefore I’ll say this—experiment! Discover your body. Learn where you enjoy a soft touch, a sensual touch, even a rougher more passionate touch, and then you’ll be able to convey this to your partner. The same is true of him. If you’re apprehensive about who might walk in on you while you’re experimenting, lock the door or go into the bathroom. The shower is a wonderful place to explore. The soap allows you to sensually glide your hand everywhere and helps relieve friction over more sensitive areas as you stroke them. And I swear those shower massagers were invented with women in mind. What a devious little mind the inventor had.

Explore your body everywhere you can wherever you feel comfortable. The Jacuzzi is an erotic thrill with all those power jets working. Have you discovered yet what it feels like for ice to melt on your belly, your breasts, dare I mention other areas while you lay back in a sauna? And what about laying outside on your hammock beneath the star? Just what would it feel like to expose your breasts to the night breeze and gently tease your nipples?
You’re an adult now. You can do whatever you wish with your body. Share it with yourself. The limitations to your sexuality are yours to set. Embrace your sensual and sexual divinity! If not now, when?

First Base -- Foreplay
Flirting takes practice. As I teach in my book, The Latina Kama Sutra, I recommend you flirt with someone at least three times a day. Nope, it can’t be the same person. To discover the art of flirting it’s imperative you experiment with various people. Yes, courting rejection is actually encouraged! After all, how else would you know if it’s not working unless you were rejected?

Practice with simple things, like trying to get a seat on the train or bus. Having a man open the door for you—yes, it’s very chivalrous of him and makes him feel “like a man” to be able to do something for “a lady”. Lure someone you like to share a cup of coffee with you or slow down enough to have a brief conversation. Why not ask him out on a date? My rule is, if I invite—I pay. He’ll have plenty of opportunities to splurge on me in the dates to come.

And of course the ultimate question for that first date—to kiss or not to kiss?

First Base—The game’s begun.
Personally, I believe the way a man kisses reveals the type of lover he’ll be. If he slobbers all over your face, he needs practice and isn’t very experienced, or hasn’t been taught well—a perfect opportunity for you to practice your coaching skills. If his tongue invades your mouth and he thrusts within taking little time to finesse your tongue into dueling with his, he’ll be a selfish lover and well honestly, get rid of the frog so your prince will come. However, if he gently teases your mouth into opening and slowly lets his tongue trace your lips before deviling within to coax your tongue into playing with his, that’s the passionate lover you’ve been waiting for.

It’s important that you know how to kiss as well. Don’t forget women can be frogs too and many men are watching to see just how far you’ll go to tease them and lure them into your web. After all, men need to be seduced as well.

The beauty of a kiss is its sensuality. It’s how you execute the move. Not only the logistics of how to angle your head to avoid knocking each other out, or strategically taking off your glasses a few minutes before you lean in to taste him, it’s about seducing him into wanting to be kissed and then wanting more. This is where being a tease is the ultimate compliment.

Start by brushing your lips against his cheek and nibbling softly. Whisper in his ear that you’d like to see if he tastes as good as he looks or to see if he’s as delicious as he smells. Yes, you are the seductress, later he can be He-man. Once he gives his breathless approval, you can make your way to his lips. Gently brush your lips against his. Wait until he parts them before nibbling. If he tries to speed up the kiss, just pull back slightly and he’ll get the hint. If not, you can always end the kiss, or merely communicate with him that you’d like to take this first kiss slow. Trust me, he’ll learn his lesson quickly and allow you to run the show for a while as he revels in your sweet seduction. When you’re ready to move forward, and you’ve nibbled a little, let your tongue trace his upper lip before circling the lower one and tugging it with your teeth before deepening the kiss. I’m sure he’s learned his lesson and will hold back a little until he hears your moans increasing. You might notice his hands tighten on your hips or draw you closer as he struggles with the desire to take the kiss to a higher level and allowing you to set the pace. Coax his tongue into playing with yours. If he again tries to speed things up and you don’t wish him to—or if you want to heighten the sensations for both of you—trap his tongue between your teeth. Press lightly. Then rank your teeth along the length of his tongue before sucking it into your mouth to sooth it. Mmmmm now that will definitely rock his world and show you the type of lover he’ll be as he shares more with you, begs you to do it again, or asks you to do it a little softer. Then again, he might just have reached the end of his endurance and takes control of the kiss. Which would you prefer?

Then of course we can’t forget the teasing kiss along his jaw line and the sensual enticement of the Vampire kiss that leads to deeper desires and marking your property—yeap the hickey. If you do it correctly, you won’t leave a mark, yet he’ll feel the pressure on his neck for a few days and constantly check to ensure there’s no mark as he recalls just how sexy you were. You can practice getting the right pressure without leaving a mark on your own arm. Then again, if you oops, they make turtleneck sweaters in all sizes.

And of course kissing isn’t only on the mouth and neck, there’s also his collarbone, his chest, his tiny nipples which are so sensitive just the flick of your tongue will make him arch toward your sensual lips as something else further south bangs against the front of his jeans. But wait…that’s Second Base and we’re not ready for that yet. Or are we? When should you move on to Second Base? Why don’t you tell me before I continue and give a few tidbits on how to drive him crazy on Second before rounding Third. Please send your comments to: charley@instituteofpleasure.org

Dr. Charley Ferrer is a Clinical Sexologist and Sex Therapist who helps individuals reclaim their sensual and sexual divinity. She coaches individuals throughout the U.S. and Latin America on ways to improve their relationships and become better lovers. Her Telephone Coaching Services are a fantastic way for individuals outside of New York City to be able to take advantage of her world renowned expertise. She’s even developed an entire program on Dominance and Submission. She is the award winning author of The W.I.S.E. Journal for the Sensual Woman and The Latina Kama Sutra: The Ultimate Guide to Dating Sex and Erotic Pleasure. Dr. Charley is a freelance writer and international columnist. She values your feedback and looks forward to hearing from you and/or answering any questions you may have. Please visit her website www.instituteofpleasure.org