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The answers provided are our
opinions based on the frequently asked questions. We
understand each situation is different. We hope they
will bring you comfort or inspire you to derive greater
pleasure from your life. If you have any medical or
mental concerns, please contact your medical care provider.
You may also contact us for a possible consultation.
Question: I am a normal 6";
but have twice found women-one recently, that I find
so big that there is no friction. Could this be from
their having so much sex, or why?.Tony
Answer:Dear Tony:
Most times it's not that women are having too much
sex that makes them "intimately" loose,
but that they're not having enough of it. It's imporant
for every woman to do her Kegels and keep her PC muscles
intake and strong. This also helps maintain her vaginal
canal and pelvic floor healthy. Please review the
article on my website "Sensual Hugs--An Exercise
for Women" for further information on how to
conduct Kegels.
Dr. Charley Ferrer
Question: How common is female
ejaculation and is there usually a “refractory
period” afterward?
Answer: Female ejaculation is quite
common. However, most individuals (men and women)
mistake it for urinary incontinence or just urination
during intercourse. The easiest way to describe it
is, “Female ejaculation is the body’s
way of saying mmmmmmmmm.” Yes, female ejaculation
has been around for centuries, even mentioned in the
Bible; something along the lines of “…when
a man and a woman’s nectar flows a child will
be conceived…” Even BC era physicians
mentioned it. Not all women experience female ejaculation
and those that do don’t experience it during
every orgasm. Sometimes it’s the specific sexual
position that triggers the body’s release, other
times it’s the eroticism; then again, it may
not happen at all. As for “refractory period”—the
time in which it takes a woman’s body to orgasm
once more—that’s different for every woman.
Sometimes a woman can have an several orgasms back
to back and other times it might take hours. Just
remember, the trick to orgasms is staying in the moment.
No need to rush.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: Sometimes my private area is very
“fragrant”. I keep good hygiene but it will
not go away. I went to the GYN and she says I’m
ok. I don’t want to scare my lovers but am very
self-conscious of this.
Answer: If your doctor gives you
a clean bill of health than there isn’t anything
wrong except your perception and the fact that you’ve
“bought into” the notion that a vagina
is suppose to smell like, huh…what’s that
can of feminine spray on the market now? The truth
is
every woman has a particular smell all her own. You’ll
notice it more so than others since you’re conscientious
of it. This smell is your pheromones at work. Pheromones
are what attract the right man to you. Disguising
it may bring you toads. You notice it more than others.
However, if you feel you’re a bit too strong
in your scent, you can use panty liners with baking
power or floral scents. Just be careful of breakouts
as your genitalia is sensitive. You can also use talcum
powders to keep you fresh and again, there are those
sprays. You could always change your undies or bath
more frequently during the day.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: Is it normal for a girl not to cum?
Answer: A woman’s inability
to orgasm is called anorgasmia. Though not every sexual
encounter needs to lead to a physical orgasm (of course
there are mental and emotional orgasms as well), when
a woman finds she can’t achieve an orgasm at
all, then it’s time to consider WHY. Here are
a few questions to start with: Are you really wanting
to have sex or are you doing it because you feel pressured?
Are you having sex while drinking or using other “enhancements”—which
by the way, lessen and rob you of your ability to
orgasm? Are you so worried that he’ll be bored
if you take to long to cum that you deny yourself
the ability to achieve a real orgasm and instead fake
it? If you’ve answered “yes” to
any of these questions, your problem isn’t with
anorgasmia but with trust and being ready to actually
engage in a sexual relationship with that person.
Doubt that tidbit of info? Well, answer this question;
can you orgasm alone? If yes, then refer back to my
previous comment. If no, then we may need to talk.
A great book on sexual
difficulties is The W.I.S.E. Journal for the Sensual
Woman available through my website www.instituteofpleasure.org
It provides you with questions and answers; but more
importantly, it teaches you how to overcome this little
annoyance so you can enjoy your love life.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: If a woman has too much sex (if there
is even such a thing), does she get “loose”?
Answer: Aaaah, the “Is it tight
enough” question. Seems, someone always asks
this one. Yes, sexual intercourse will stretch your
vaginal opening a bit, with time, but not so much
that he’ll ever really notice unless you’re
talking about him having a baseball sized package.
However, I can understand the desire to wrap your
sweetie in your “tight little blanket”.
So what to do? Well, that’s when you need to
do your Kegels. Every woman (and man) should know
this. I call them “Hugs” since it’s
like hugging his package inside you. It’s really
simple and yes, you can practice your hugging technique
while he’s inside you as well. Perform your
Hugs no less than three times a day, doing three sets
of 8-repetitions. Think of it as your morning, noon
and night or breakfast, lunch and dinner routine.
Increase by one set every week until you’re
doing ten sets a day.
How to do them? First isolate your
PC (pubococcyxogeal) muscle. This is the muscle that
controls your urine flow. Tighten this muscle for
the count of four and release it till the count of
four. Do three sets of eight repetitions. At first
you may not feel this muscle is working; don’t
worry—it is. It’s just like every other
muscle in your body it needs exercise to keep it from
atrophy and to make it work properly. If you want
to ensure you’re doing it correctly, test yourself
as you urinate by stopping your flow. You’ll
know it’s getting stronger the faster you can
stop your flow. If you do your Hugs faithfully for
30-days, you will notice the tightness of your vagina—your
blanket—and he will too. Just imagine how it
would feel Hugging your partner while he’s inside
you; definitely an incentive as it’ll bring
you untold pleasure and incredible orgasms. By doing
your Hugs faithfully, you should be able to reach
orgasm several times in one sexual encounter. Yes,
this exercise will also help women with anal sex and
help reduce and/or eliminate urinary incontinence.
The results vary in each individual and dependent
on how committed you are. So, you tell me how it works
for you and if it’s worth it. This is one 30-day
challenge that’ll have you smiling in and out
of the bedroom.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: I am a straight
female and have never been attracted to a woman. However,
when I masturbate, I only think about female’s
private parts or watch lesbian porn. Does that mean
I’m a lesbian or bi-[sexual] or just that I find
penises boring and female private parts sexy?
Answer: There’s
a lot of if’s here. You’ll have to make
the decision for yourself whether you’re straight,
lesbian, or bi. Then again, you can just consider
yourself a normal sexual human being who enjoys fantasizing
and sexual encounters. Instead of asking yourself,
“What am I?” ask yourself, “Why
do I find it sexy?” You may just find the answers
you’re looking for.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: Girls [Women] are intimidated by my size.
Is there anything I could do to make them more comfortable.
Answer: FOREPLAY! FOREPLAY! FOREPLAY!
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: Do STD tests always pick-up Herpes
and HPV in males?
Answer: NO! Most Herpes tests work
only when you have an outbreak. As for HPV, if you
don’t have the actual warts but carry the virus,
that can be detected through a blood test. Though
you should realize, most STD’s DO NOT have any
visible signs or symptoms. Thus, it’s always
a great idea to have your partner tested before engaging
in unprotected sex. After all, no one wants that kind
of luggage to carry around the rest of their lives.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: What positions are best for couples
where the woman has a “large” vagina and
the man does not have a large penis?
Answer: Women-on-top
is the best position for deep penetration. It also
allows the woman to set the pace and the man to be
able to touch as he desires while he watches how beautiful
you look in the thrills of passion.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: [Male] I have never orgasmed via oral sex.
Is there something on my part that’s causing this
because it makes my girlfriend feel inadequate?
Answer: Oral sex is very intimate.
Start by addressing your feelings of having oral sex
performed on you in the first place. If you are able
to orgasm/climax in other ways, than it seems to me
this is a mental block or perhaps you need to assist
your girlfriend in performing oral sex in a manner
that excites you more fully. This could be by holding
her hair; having her apply more pressure to your genitals;
have her take you in deeper, etc. Play with it and
see what works best for you. I provide a lot of examples
in my book, The Latina Kama Sutra, on this intimate
form of sexual play. Then again, for some people,
there are positions that just don’t work and
which you can’t achieve orgasm/climax from.
That’s ok, try the other hundreds of positions
available.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: Why do you think homosexuality is frowned
upon in Latino culture?
Answer: We still have the idea that
if a man is homosexual he can’t be manly, or
strong, or fearless and protect his family. The same
is true for our views of gays in the military. Sexual
preference and the love of one human being to another
doesn’t make a man more or less macho, it just
makes him a man—a sexual human being.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: How do you “Just say no” without
offending the machismo man?
Answer: NO, thank you!
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: What steps would you advise for someone
interested in sex/relationship therapy?
Answer: Ensure to obtain courses
in psychology and sociology. These courses will help
you address the emotional issues which are embedded
in sex/relationship problems. Then read everything
you can on sex and take courses on sexual health,
STD’s, sex therapy, etc. I must make the distinction
between a Sex Therapist and a Relationship Therapist.
Though both address the relationship issue, a Sex
Therapist deals with actual sexual dysfunctions and
teaches the person how to overcome these; not as a
sexual surrogate but cognitively. Also, a Sex Therapist
is able to sit with the individual without judgment
of their sexual proclivities; whereas, not all Relationship
Therapist (or general therapist for that matter) are
able to do so.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: If I can’t make myself orgasm when I
masturbate (or just don’t know that I am) with
or without a vibrator, but it is still intensely pleasurable,
am I dysfunctional or do I just really need a partner?
Answer:It is typically
relatively easy for a woman to orgasm by herself;
and at record speeds with a vibrator. You have to
allow yourself to achieve the orgasm. That’s
step one. Give yourself permission! Notice the sensations
in your body. If you still can’t orgasm, then
I’d say you have a mental block. Addressing
why is the key. Get a copy of the book, The W.I.S.E.
Journal for the Sensual Woman, off my website www.instituteofpleasure.org
and review the chapter on Anorgasmia. There is tons
of helpful information to overcome this issue in that
book. Though I’m thinking that mentally giving
your “self” permission (including writing
your “self” a letter) will be a tremendous
step in the right direction.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: What is the most pleasurable position for
women?
Answer: Every woman
is different. Thus, try them all!
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question: I’ve heard that threesomes
can negatively affect a relationship. Is that true?
Answer: Anything can negatively affect
a relationship. When deciding to have a threesome,
ensure that you discuss the boundaries very thoroughly
with your partner. Here are a few questions to start
you off. Will the third person be a male or female?
Will it be someone you know and hang out with often
or someone you don’t normally socialize with?
Will you be allowed to socialize with this person
afterward—alone or will your partner need to
always be present? What sexual acts will be acceptable
during the threesome and what won’t? Can you
call a halt to it at anytime? Will the person remain
with you after the sexual encounter and spend the
night or will he/she leave immediately afterward?
Will condoms be used—a definite yes when not
a closed off polyamorous relationship? Will you do
it on your bed, in your home, at their home, or at
a hotel so your private space remains only yours and
your partners? Well, you get the idea. Just make a
list and ensure to discuss it thoroughly. Also, ensure
to factor in some major together time afterward. Don’t
try it when one of you is going to be away on a trip
or conference or vacation. You and your partner will
need lots of reassurance. Schedule snuggle time! And
if you have to sound like a broken record as you reassure
your partner for the millionth time that you “want
only him/her”, do it!!! Remind them your relationship
is what’s most important. If you find you didn’t
like it, just chalk it up to things you’ve done
and move on. No need to drive yourself nuts or beat
yourself up over it; just don’t do it again.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Prior Questions
& Answers
Question:
Dear Dr. Charley:
My wife and I have intimate problems. We both had affairs
in the past. My wife has vaginal dryness and a lack
of desire which has led to other affairs on my part.
I would pay anything to have what we used to have. Did
the affairs cause her lack of desire/dryness; she is
34? She won’t seek help, she says she fine with
the lack of sex drive. Sex is not important to her from
what she tells me. I listen to you on the Michael Baisden
show WDAS FM
Dan
Philadelphia, USA
Answer:
Dan:
Let’s face it, the fact that your wife has vaginal
dryness and lack of desire has not led to you having
more affairs. The fact that you both are not communicating,
sharing your sexual needs, your desires, and your
pain has! Often, couples are monogamous challenged
(unfaithful and have affairs) because there’s
something missing at home. At times, an affair is
entered into because of pain or revenge. It’s
important to put the pain aside to learn why it happened
and take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again
if you are to stay together. It’s also necessary
to figure out what it’s going to take to forgive
and move forward or decide how you can end your relationship
amicably. I recommend you both seek counseling to
help reestablish communications and begin repairing
your marriage. Review the article on vaginal dryness
on my website as well has have your wife schedule
an appointment with her gynecologist to address any
biological issues which may be causing her physical
condition. If none, than it’s psychological
and I’d recommend my book, The W.I.S.E. Journal
for the Sensual Woman, to help her address her emotional
blockages to passion that may assist her in reclaiming
her sensuality—if that’s what she wants.
Most of all, I recommend you communicate with each
other and establish new rules, boundaries, and respect
for one another. Love is a terrible thing to waste!
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
Good Morning, Dr. Charley,
Was listening to the Michael Baisden show one day--how
does one do the push ups.
Tim
Answer:
Dear Tim:
Push-ups are a wonderful way to assist men in obtaining
a stronger and longer erection, control his pre-mature
ejaculation, and help him experience more intense
orgasms. Not to mention, it also helps reduce/eliminate
urinary incontinence. What I affectionately call “Push-ups”
are also known as Kegels. You should perform your
Push-ups no less than three times a day, doing three
sets of 8-repetitions. Think of it as your morning,
noon and night or breakfast, lunch and dinner routine.
You should increase by one set every week until you’re
doing ten sets a day. How to do them? First isolate
your PC (pubococcyxogeal) muscle. This is the muscle
that controls your urine flow. Tighten this muscle
for the count of four and release it till the count
of four. Do three sets of eight repetitions. At first
you may not feel this muscle is working; don’t
worry—it is. It’s just like every other
muscle in your body it needs exercise to keep it from
atrophy and to make it work well. If you want to ensure
you’re doing it right, test yourself as you
urinate by stopping your flow. You’ll know it’s
perfect when you can immediately stop your flow. If
you do your Push-ups faithfully for 30-days, you will
notice that your penis lifts up and down as you do
them—hence, the name Push-ups. Just imagine
how it would feel doing Push-ups inside your partner;
definitely an incentive as it’ll bring you untold
glory. By doing your Push-ups faithfully, you should
be able to reach climax several times in one sexual
encounter, find your erection is easier to achieve
and firmer, and you, last longer. Yes, this exercise
will also help men with diabetes, high blood pressure,
erectile dysfunction, and urinary incontinence. The
results are individualized and based on how committed
you are. So, you tell me how it works for you and
if it’s worth it. This is one 30-day challenge
that’ll have you smiling all the way to the
bedroom.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
Dear Dr. Charley,
I remember hearing on the Michael Baisden
show that men have a G-Spot, but I didn’t hear
where is it located?
Marie
Answer:
Dear Marie:
A man’s G-spot is his prostrate which is located
in his anus. By stimulating the prostrate, you can
assist your lover in experiencing a fantastic orgasm.
Not only is this a sensual experience for men but
it’s also a healthy one as stimulation of the
prostrate makes it strong and health and can possibly
prevent future problems in this area—especially
since men suffer from prostrate cancer in their advanced
years. You can stimulate the prostrate by inserting
your finger or an anal toy into his rectum. NO, anal
pleasure does not mean your man is gay or has latent
homosexual tendencies; it’s merely another form
of sexual pleasure and is an individual choice.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
Dr. Charley:
How could you get someone you love who might be shy
to initiate more sex/sexual activities?
Ezzy
Answer:
Dear Ezzy:
I’ve run into this problem myself believe it
or not. You don’t want to come right out and
say it because you don’t want to sound desperate
and subtle hints don’t seem to work. Therefore
the only option is—Lead by Example! Be the aggressor
and take the lead. Become a Sensual Scientist. Experiment.
Explore. Sexplore. Seduce him/her. Discover what works
best. Read him poetry with a sensual flare. Create
romantic interludes. There are several books out there
with create ideas, including my book The Latina Kama
Sutra: The Ultimate Guide to Dating, Sex and Erotic
Pleasures. Lead and hopefully he will follow.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
Any good/proven suggestions for lasting longer. I’m
in my late 40’s and married. Usually the first
time is short—less than 2minutes—but if
my wife feels up to a second time, I usually last past
5minutes. It’s lasting the first that I’d
like to accomplish, to have more of a second and possibly
third time.
Edward
Answer:
Dear Edward:
Sounds like you have a major pre-mature problem. Correcting
it will require work on both your part and your wife’s.
It has to be a team effort. However it all starts
with you. From the little you told me, I’m taking
for granted that your pre-mature ejaculation has been
going on for quite some time; no worries whether it’s
recent or long term the treatment is the same. There
are several things you need to do. First, you need
to begin a masturbation program of no less than three
times per day. The purpose for masturbating is to
learn what your “point of release” is.
This is when you can no longer control your ejaculation.
Learning when you’ve reached this point will
help you learn when you need to stop stimulation to
the penis. (Although other body parts and areas may
also be highly erogenous for you and cause your climax,
we’ll concentrate on the penis for now.) You
can use your wife’s help in this regard having
her stimulate you then stopping when you feel close
to release then starting again. You can also do the
same when penetrating your partner. Stopping and pulling
out when you feel close to release. Another method
to control PE is the Squeeze Method. This is where
you squeeze the tip of the penis for ten seconds until
your erection softens or your penis goes flaccid.
You squeeze by placing thumb on the frenulum and two
or three fingers on the top of the penis. The frenulum
is the area just below and beneath the head of the
penis; for men with circumcisions it’s where
the mushroom shape ends. Once the penis is soft, you
can again start stimulation. As there are several
ways, including the Quiet Vagina and the Start/Stop
method, I would recommend you consult a Clinical Sexologist
or Sex Therapist to help guide you through this. You
can also review methods to overcome PE in my book,
The Latina Kama Sutra as I included a special chapter
for men regarding this issue. It’s imperative
to have patience while learning to overcome your PE
problem. Addressing your emotional issues surrounding
this problem and insuring you want it to change are
important first steps as well. PE isn’t just
a physical problem, there is also an emotional component
to it as well and I’m sure there’s some
major frustration on your wife’s part; hence,
my recommendation for therapy. Not to mention, if
this has been going on for some time, there might
be some damage control needed in your relationship.
Good luck.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
Dr. Charley:
I and my wife have been married for 6 years and been
together for 12 years in total. We have two beautiful
kids. I have been having some sex issues with my wife
lately and it seems like she lost her sex drive for
some reason. I always have to initiate sex before we
make love; and even if we do have sex, it seems to me
like she doesn’t get involved at all. She does
not take her shirt off during sex. Doc, I can go on
and on about this. I have confronted her about this
situation. Please help. I heard you on the Micheal Baisden
Show on 96.3WHUR station. Is there anything you can
do to help me. I really love my wife dearly. Thanks!
Kofi
Answer:
Dear Kofi:
It is frustrating when our loved one seems suddenly
out of reach physically. You mention she’s not
taking off her shirt during sex and doesn’t
seem involved. How long has this been going on? Is
there a physical problem she is experiencing? An injury—lose
of a breast? Has she entered menopause? Is she depressed?
Has she been sick lately? Has there been infidelity
on your part or hers which may be causing anger, guilt
or resentment? There are so many possibilities. If
her desire suddenly changed, I recommend she see her
physician for a full check-up to rule out any biological
causes. In the meantime, keep communicating. Establish
a date-night that includes just the two of you. Help
her fall in-love with you all over again. Court her
as you did in the beginning. Let her know you’re
there for her whenever she’s ready to talk—and
when she talks, just listen. Reassure her that you
won’t pressure her to be your lover but that
you’d like to continue holding her, kissing
her tenderly at times, and sharing your warmth and
affection as you wait for her to become your lover
once more. Help her feel safe and loved as she sorts
things out for herself. Therapy may also help you
both establish communication. Therapy shouldn’t
be seen as “you having a problem” but
as you “getting options” and opening the
door to hundreds of possibilities.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
Recently I have been fantasizing about me and my man
engaging in a threesome with another female. He had
bought it to my attention, and then I couldn’t
get it out of my mind. When I talked to a close friend
about it, she made it seem like I was homosexual. Am
I? Or is it just a desire that I have?
Verlynn
Answer:
Dear Verlynn:
No one is totally straight or gay, however we all
have our personal preference. We all have ideas, desires,
and sensual needs. Sometimes we act on them, sometimes
we don’t. The fact that you find it erotic to
explore a sexual freedom many others shy away from
is a wonderful thing. Why try to put labels on it?
Are you homosexual, a lesbian—only you can answer
that. The fact that you want to try a threesome with
another female tells me only that you are willing
to explore your sensuality fully. If the thought bothers
you excessively, discuss it with your partner or a
therapist—someone who’s unbiased—that
will help you address your concerns and help you make
peace with them in whatever form that takes. I feel
that I should give you a word of caution. Often what
you eroticize in your mind doesn’t turn out
exactly how you thought it would be and you might
feel some guilt, shame, or regret afterward. Don’t
beat yourself up about it. Chalk it up as another
life experience, cross it off the list, and move on.
After all, you won’t know what you really like
unless you explore—sexplore!
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
Dear Dr. Charley:
I've been "dating" a man through the Internet
for the past six months. We've had some really steamy
emails and Cyber-sex and gawd I love it. I think he
is the perfect lover. Now he wants us to take our relationship
to the next level. The only problem is I'm scared that
what we have online will be lost if we meet in person.
And well, I'd probably die of embarrassment in real
life if I did everything we Cyber-sexed. And what if
the chemistry isn't there, did I waste six months of
my life? Should I risk it?
Janet
Answer:
Dear Janet:
First off, NO you did not waste six months of your
life whether or not there's chemistry or it works
out when you meet in person. The wonderful thing you
both have going so far is that you've learned how
to be in a relationship with each other. If you've
been honest with him (and I'm not talking about the
little white lies of being 10 pounds lighter than
you really are or telling him you're sitting in front
of the computer in a velvet dress when you're really
in holey pajamas and curlers) I'm talking being honest
about who you are and how you feel, then you have
a wonderful opportunity of taking this relationship
to the next level. You've both mastered the first
part of any relationship and that's communicating
and capturing your lover's imagination. I recommend
setting a date and discussing the boundaries before
time such as no sex on this initial meeting (this
way there's no pressure on either of you to perform),
meeting in a public place (always ensure your safety),
and having a nice walk down main street (for when
you are too nervous to sit still). Just like with
any "blind date", do whatever is going to
make you feel comfortable. It's also important to
be realistic about your expectations. You've both
come so far and addressed so many issues that it's
ok if you find it awkward to talk or find that you
have nothing to say to each other. Sitting in silence
is acceptable. Remember he's nervous too even if he
doesn't look it. He's got all the same doubts you
have. If the first date doesn't go so well, no big
deal maybe the next one will. I always try things
three times and after six months your relationships
is worth a few tries to see if you really hit it off
in person as you did online. If you decide there really
isn't any chemistry and you want to call it off, remaining
friends is always an option. And again, NO you didn't
waste six months of your life, you learned many things
about yourself, about your desires, and about being
in a relationship--that was definitely worth the time
you spent.
Dr. Charley Ferrer
Question:
Dear Dr. Charley:
I'm 42 and am dating a man that's over 10 years younger
than me. He's gorgeous and I'm, well, I'm frumpy and
I can't see what he possibly sees in me. When I'm with
him, I feel like I'm floating; however, I get jealous
when younger women look at him and at times it is the
bases of our arguments. He assures me he wants to be
with me and loves me. What can I do to overcome my jealous?
Young at heart
Answer:
Dear Young at Heart:
Stop the doubts, the insecurities, and the fear, it
will ruin your relationship! Your young stud muffin
apparently appreciates a mature woman who has her
act together. Stop worrying about age and start looking
at what you have to share with each other. Though
a little jealousy in a relationship is ok, arguing
because you're feeling insecure isn't and will only
drive him away. Instead of taking the interest of
other women as a threat, look at it positively. For
example, those ladies are probably wishing they had
whatever you have that attracted him in the first
place. When you're feeling jealous remind yourself
that if he wanted to be anywhere else he would be,
but well...he's exactly where he wants to be--with
you. So give him a little kiss, a little stroke and
enjoy the time you spend together. If your weight
really bothers you, then start exercising to get rid
of it. Do I need to remind you that sex is a wonderful
form of exercise? And it's fun too. I'd recommend
at least three times a week for starters.
Dr. Charley
Ferrer
Question:
I went to a Swing Club with friend and hated it. Though
it was fun watching people and the voyeur in me enjoyed
it, after a while I got so bored all I wanted to do
was go home but he didn't want to leave. We're good
friends and he says I'm the only one that he feels comfortable
talking about his sexual desires with. And since he's
helping me out with some of my own issues, I feel I
owe him but I really don't want to go again. What should
I do?
Sonia
Answer:
Dear Sonia:
Just say no! It's ok to tell him that Swinging is
not your scene and that you'd prefer not to go again.
You can still listen to him talk about his sexual
desires if you want outside the club. Being a true
friend also involves setting limits. Don't be afraid
to set yours. Though he may be disappointed, he'll
appreciate your honesty and your integrity to your
friendship with him. As for the Swing Club, you may
feel differently if you went with someone you were
interested in and were sexual with.
Dr. Charley Ferrer
Question:
Dear Dr. Charley:
I am a young woman who's been happily engaged for three
years. We've taken time to know each other well, strengthened
our relationship and love each other very much. My fiancé
lives in another city and for several reasons and mutual
agreement we have postponed having sexual relations.
He has experience but I have never been intimate with
anyone. Please advise me what I should consider during
our first time together. How can I make this first sexual
experience "perfect" that we may show our
love and enjoy each other?
Carol
Answer:
Dear Carol:
Every first time is special and as perfect as you
make it. It's best to communicate with him what will
make you feel more comfortable: flowers, music, candles.
Ensure to discuss what you think you might need afterwards:
having him hold you, reassure you he loves you. It's
important to make sure that you are sufficiently stimulated
(lots and lots of foreplay) so that penetration is
not painful. For this first time, I recommend you
be on top. This will allow to to control the depth
of penetration and the speed. This will help you feel
more comfortable and allow him to stimulate you further
making it more pleasure for both of you as he caresses
your breasts and can play with your clitoris. He can
always change positions later. There will be some
discomfort physically as your vagina stretches to
accommodate his penis. This is normal. Foreplay will
help alleviate some of this discomfort but not all.
Don't worry if you " do not bleed " to show
that you are a virgin. This is a myth. The hymen (that
produces these small drops of blood) normally is torn
during daily exercises and activities.
Now more important than everything .... has he been
tested for sexually transmitted illnesses? I think
part of a partner's sign of love should include a
test to make sure that there is no sexual infections
present; especially if one or both partner's have
had sexual intercourse in the past regardless of how
many times. If he loves you, there is no reason why
he can't assure you. And of course, don't forget the
use of condoms and other birth control devices to
protect against unwanted pregnancy. Never allow love
to make you take foolish risks dishonoring one of
the most important persons in this relationship--yourself.
Live with passion,
Dr. Charley Ferrer
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